Been a long time...

I haven't blogged in months... its not that I havent had anything to talk about but rather that i just haven't wanted to admit feeling anything. Sometimes feeling numb can stick to you like glue and won't release regardless of what happens in your life... that's what I have been feeling lately... just indifferent about everything; indifferent about life and love and matters of the heart and joy and finding that which i feel like I lack in myself and life... just everything

I've felt like nothing boils my blood anymore, nothing sings to my soul, nothing lifts me up or drops me down, nothing makes my heart ache and nothing makes it skip a beat... its a defense mechanism that has turned in a cancer.

And then just last night out of nowhere, I was talking to a friend and felt a sensation that rushed over me like a tidal wave... and i balled my eyes out... not that kind of cry that you try to hold in and a tear or two is shed... i mean like sobbing uncontrollably... and i felt good.

In a way I felt relieved that i was inconsolable and devistated because it meant that I was beginning to allow myself to feel something again... anything... other than nothing.... and that meant that eventually i would be able to feel better... and that i started figuatively walking in the direction that i wanted to go... you see, physically i have been unable to do alot of things that i would normally be doing due to my knee injury... running, playing, just horse play and living... and that has bled into other parts of my life...

Now that my surgery is over and my recovery has begun... the recovery of the rest of me can begin as well... and i look forward to it and welcome the pain, the hate, the joy, the grief, the heartache, the anger, the happiness... and the love...

Money Hope

Today was a good day for me. Court went well and all my tickets were dropped. I've been worrying myself to death for the past month and I'm so glad I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Driving school won't be so bad and at least it won't go on my record.

Talkin to my mom tonight got me thinking about money and what I would do if I never had to worry about it anymore... since I have been on my own after college I have pretty much been living pay check to pay check... I'm sure there are a lot of people my age that have this same money situation. I make a decent living, but I am always worried about what would happen if I suddenly lost my job or got hurt and couldn't work for a while. Money is one of those things that is always on my mind and no matter what happens, there is never enough of it... but what if there was...

I have been flirting with the idea of doing some independent contracting for the military because I know that the pay is very good and since I really have no ties to the states anymore the thought has been crossing my mind more and more... I've been told that its pretty dangerous but I guess for what they are willing to pay you, there must be some catches like that... The one thing that I have wanted to do in my life was to help my family with their financial situation... We used live a very comfortable life until we tried to open a restaurant when I was a teenager and lost everything... Things have been very hard ever since. I put myself through college and I have to say that those five years were pretty poor on my part... I lost all the money that was saved up for my college education when we lost the restaurant...

Anyways, back to my family... my mom is the hardest working woman that I have ever known in my entire life... she has been the glue that held my family together and continues to be even today... I wish I had one opportunity to make her life and the lives of the rest of my family easier by relieving some of the financial stress that she faces everyday... If I ever were to win the lottery I would only keep 10 percent and i would give the rest away... not only to my family, but others in my life that have had some a wonderful impact on my life... I hope that one day I will be able to prove and demostrate this...

Even still, regardless of whatever amount I make, money is better spend with the ones you love... whether its a present, dinner with friends, or just helping someone in a time of need... my money is never nor will it ever just be my own... because I am addicted to the feeling I get when I share it with others...

So here is my promise to all my readers, friends, family, and all - Hope for prosperity in me and I will gladly share my rewards.

JJ

My Little Buddy Snick

I made peace with my kitten this week when I went home for my uncle's funeral. I haven't been home since the accident because it has just been too hard to walk in the house and not have him run up and greet me... I stayed away for three weeks but finally had to face it today when I went home... The moment that I pulled into the driveway, tears started falling. I knew that when I walked through the gate to my backyard that he wouldn't be there all excited to see me and making that funny little noise that he always made around me... it wasn't really a traditional little purr or meow but more like he was trying to roll his R's around me.... lol he must have known that his family was Mexican...

After the funeral as I was leaving, I walked again into the backyard and stood by the tiny little mound of fresh dirt pilled by the fence where he was buried... I told him I loved him and thanked him for all the wonderful memories and love he had given me in his short little life... and as I walked away, I felt a sense of peace in my heart that I had let him go... and all the pain I had been bottling up in my heart was released...

A loss in any form is always so difficult to cope with... it makes you realize how precious every second you have on this earth really is... and regardless of what you believe about the afterlife, it is not death that is painful... it's being left behind and dealing with the thought that your loved ones are no longer with you... My little buddy kept me company through a very hard time in my life when everything was changing and I know that he was put with me for that specific reason... and then it was time for him to go...

We are all put on this earth for a reason... whatever it may be... and knowing that you leave having accomplished your tasks must be such a rewarding feeling... I can only hope that when it is my time to pass that those who have shared this life with me will let me go as well... I can only hope that when they time comes, they will all know that I loved them and that my life was that much better for having known them... just as I feel with Snickers.

Buddy, I love you with all my heart... maybe I'll see you again one day and we can pick up where we left off...

JJ

Chattanooga

It's Sunday night after a really great weekend with my friends. Chattanooga was awesome. We had great food, great wine, a great drag show and all with great company... among other great things.

Friday i woke up bright and early and headed there. We spent part of the day in the park shaded by a little tree reading the next chapter of the Hobbit. I loved the cartoon movie that came out a long time ago and whenever we read it, I can see the scenes from the movie in my head. The weather Friday afternoon was beautiful and I am glad we enjoyed it while it lasted. That night we went out for dinner at P F Changs and oh em gee!!! Was that meal amazing!

Since the storms were supposed to be really bad all throughout the south the game was cancelled the next morning when we woke up so we all headed to the mall and pigged out at CiCi's... G and I kicked some ass in the arcade! That night we all went to the local Gay Bar and indulged in some sexy Drag Queen leaving nothing to the imagination.

Sunday was bitter sweet. I got my favorite wine today that Ive been looking for forever but sadly it was time to return to my bills, my job, and my life.

The good moments are always the ones that not only take an eternity to get here but also fly by in the blink of an eye... I have been having a great time since I moved to Huntsville... life gets better everyday I'm here... and even though my road leading here as not been an easy one... there are a few less potholes in my path now a days. My new job has allowed me to enjoy some of life's little pleasures more often and I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

JJ

Karma

So i need the need to talk about something that has been on my mind... Karma. What a powerful uncontrollable force she is indeed... and I am a firm believer in her... I say her because she obviously has to be a woman by the way she can be so vindictive... Anyway, back to the topic at hand... Karma... I had seen first hand what Karma can do you when you mistreat people and I think she is quick to vindicate that issue but when it comes to people being good and nice and wholesome, she is a little slow to draw... why is that?

It is just as important to punish those who deserve it as it is to praise the worthy people for their contributions to the world... yet Karma seems to have an agenda... a list if you will of things to do... and to me it seems like all the punishment is at the top of the list whereas all the praise and good fortune follow behind... i know that one must not be a good person just to expect good things to come to them but it is a hope in the back of everyone mind that they be treated the same way they treat other people.

I hope that my good Karma comes to me soon. i know that i have not been perfect in my life and i know that i have hurt and been hurt as well but I believe that i do the best i can with what is given to me and people are going to make mistakes... but i hope that the choices i make in my life with follow me and send some good fortune my way

Have a great day

J.J.

Friday in the Park

Friday was an amazing day. I went to Chattanooga again to spend the day in the park with an amazing girl. We went to a little hippie place to eat lunch and I tried Lamb for the first time... ya know, i am usually against eating cute animals but damn that sandwich was good...

Anyway, we walked around town searching for a copy of a book that we both love and stumbled onto this amazing book graveyard so to speak... the owner of the book store surprised me when she knew exactly how many copies of the Hobbit she had left in that enormous book junkyard without looking at a registry or a computer or anything... I love places like that. Afterwards we took shelter under an overpass in the quietest place we could find and she read the first chapter to me. Her voice is so soothing and I could listen to it for hours. We followed a trail up to the walking bridge and headed across the river where the park was located.... there we sat for a while and I listened as she read me the next chapter... We laughed and giggle at the funny parts of the story and I (not being a very good reader myself) attemped to read her the third chapter of our favorite book.

We stayed in the park and got snow cones and enjoyed the rest of the day basking in the sun together... I can't think of any other way I would have wanted to spend my day... It's funny... I am not an avid reader but I love to hear her read to me... makes me feel like a kid again and it one of the wonderful things she and I can share together.

It is wonderful spending time with a person who is so smart and so kind... it has been a long time since I have enjoyed myself as much as I did on Friday... I didnt really want to leave but as we walked back arcoss the bridge, we shared a moment in the darkest gazing at the city skyline together. It is a moment that I will not soon forget.

Good night all you readers in Blogland : )

JJ

Hobbit

So I'm super excited about reading the Hobbit this weekend... Still need to pick up a copy of the book to follow along. It's been a while since I had a relaxing day in the park just reading a book and enjoying the weather. Plus the company that will be with me makes the experience all the more soothing. Its nice to spend time with someone who understands your way of thinking... very refreshing actually.

Also looking forward to not working this Friday... Its been almost six months since I had a Friday off and I think this is the perfect way to spend it...

Peace out fellow bloggers

JJ

My Perfect Girl

My Perfect Girl

My perfect girl is one that makes me laugh when I am down

Makes me cry with an o-so-sweet compliment

One that enjoys life in all its entirety

And still wishes to change it every Blue Moon

It doesn’t make sense but that’s my girl

One that is kind and courteous

Still knowing when to joke around

She is thin but not bones

And athletic but not buff

She is sweet but not boring

And spunky but definitely not annoying

She is adventurous but not crazy

And calm but not lazy

She knows her strengths and uses them to the fullest.

And knows her weaknesses to overcome them.

She is brave and strong

Yet still dainty and petite

And jumps in my arms so that I may save her

When the time arises.

She sweeps me off my feet when I want to be romanced

And carries me when I’m too tired to dance

And helps me up when I fall down

And helps me down when I’m too high up

She is perfect in everyway

From head to toes, inside and out

Her hair is long and flowing

And her eyes go deep as the ocean

And her lips are soft as silk

With a kiss sweeter than candy

Her skin makes you want to wrap yourself around it

Never getting enough of the warmth and everlasting love that flows within

She has a heart of Gold and a mind of stone

Meaning-She changes for no one unless the choice is her own

With a strong will of live and be the best she can be

And never gives up and never surrenders or gives it to society

Till the day she dies, she is nothing but herself

And no one can change that

That is what makes my girl so perfect

She fights the masses knowing she may fail

But still goes into the battle with her head held high ready to fight for the beliefs and customs she has always upheld

She is the epitome of what every woman

Wishes to be

She is the skip in my day and the brilliance in my life

And cherishes me for who I am

She loves me for nothing else

And thinks I’m a little cute at times

She is warm and happy and full of grace (not really)

She is sexy and mysterious

Full of wonders far beyond the imagination

With a look in her eyes that makes your knees want to just drop to the ground in exhaustion and amazement

She has a unique way about her

A sly cool attitude and a bit sneaky at times

And most of all, she just loves me

Not for what car I may drive

Or what house I may live in

Nor how big my TV may be

Just me, little ol’ me

Until the day that I die, I will look for this woman

Going through all the ‘could have been’s’ and ‘would have been’s’ and ‘Should have been’s’

Till one day, without knowing, there she will be

Waiting for me to find her and wisk her away

To begin the life that everyone dreams of

One of passion and love and enjoyment

She is my essence

The one I dream of

The one I think about the moment before I sleep

And the one that is on my mind the second I awake

She cares for me when I am ill

And I care for her when I am well

She is my drug

The one thing that I am addicted to

And cannot live without

The one I can’t stop thinking about

And the one I wish to find.

Only when I find her will my life be complete

Only when I find her will I be…

The happiest woman in the world

And so shall she

She is out there somewhere

Looking for me

Waiting for me

To find her

And free her from the lonely prison in which we all exist

Before our true love enters that door into our lives

I am anxious to find her, to know her

And to love her

To graze my finger tips across her skin

To feel her breath upon my neck as she sleeps

To have her in my arms with full embrace

To see her sweet little face

Light up as I walk through the door

I can’t wait

I can’t wait until the day comes…

That no other woman could take me away from her

No other woman could have me

Not my body, my mind, nor my heart

My perfect girl

Still she has no name

No face

No address

Yet I can see her smile everyday

I can see her wink when I leave the room

And I can feel the sweetest softest lips

That will one day press against mine

And fireworks will shoot up into the sky

And music will play

And angels will sing

They will sing and rejoice for the occasion

That I am finally in my heaven on Earth

I am still looking for her

Around every corner

Behind every door

On every street

And I shall never stop looking

Until I find you

And you will be mine

Then my search will finally end

Julianne Johnson

4/10/04

I know she is there

I Know She Is There

I cannot see my angel
I cannot feel her
I cannot touch her
But I know she is there.
She sits on my shoulder
And guides me through each day
Yet she is weightless
But I know she is there
She is the guiding light
To my path of success
And yet she is silent
But i know she is there
Your absence is my silent pain
And yet I am not sad
Because I know I will see you again
And You know I'll be there

Love

Love

When I look to the sky
Stars begin to rearrange up high
They form the image of your smile
And force me to graze a while

When I travel to the edge of the sea
My reflection always speaks to me
She tells me I have found my way
To happiness until the end of my days

High in the mountains, the air is so thin
And sometimes I feel I will slip again.
Then you reach out and hold me tight
That's when I know everything will be alright.

No matter where I am or what I see
No matter who I become or who I meet
One thing is true as long as time exists
My love for you is pure and endless

If Only

If Only

In the wind I stay
swaying in the breeze
To watch you dance
with such grace under the trees
As I glide by your side
I only long to be
A fly on the wall
or a bird in the trees
She is the essence
of all that makes me glad
If only i had the chance
I would never make her sad
I would never make her cry
I would never break her heart
I would try to make her happy
and we would never be apart
I would cherish her always
every breath every moment
We would laugh and she would cry
at my sweet little sonnets
For all the wishes and wants
that she has in her dreams
I'd make every one come true
If only If only...

Speak

Speak

in this night and gloreous summer's eve
i pray to thee just to speak
One soft word that i might hear
so that i may have a reason to draw near
i shall stay at your bed side to protect you from harm
i world sacrice my leg, my foot, my arm
If only to possess your grace and spirit
for one small second, i would be near it
Oh to have the love of a woman such a thee
would make all my dream come true indeed

The first step is the longest

So I think I'd like to have another outlet for the thoughts that seem to pour out of my head and a cute girl kinda reminded me that blogging is not only fun to read ... but fun to write... so without further introduction, the first full rant shall be coming soon.

Tune in next time :)