Been a long time...

I haven't blogged in months... its not that I havent had anything to talk about but rather that i just haven't wanted to admit feeling anything. Sometimes feeling numb can stick to you like glue and won't release regardless of what happens in your life... that's what I have been feeling lately... just indifferent about everything; indifferent about life and love and matters of the heart and joy and finding that which i feel like I lack in myself and life... just everything

I've felt like nothing boils my blood anymore, nothing sings to my soul, nothing lifts me up or drops me down, nothing makes my heart ache and nothing makes it skip a beat... its a defense mechanism that has turned in a cancer.

And then just last night out of nowhere, I was talking to a friend and felt a sensation that rushed over me like a tidal wave... and i balled my eyes out... not that kind of cry that you try to hold in and a tear or two is shed... i mean like sobbing uncontrollably... and i felt good.

In a way I felt relieved that i was inconsolable and devistated because it meant that I was beginning to allow myself to feel something again... anything... other than nothing.... and that meant that eventually i would be able to feel better... and that i started figuatively walking in the direction that i wanted to go... you see, physically i have been unable to do alot of things that i would normally be doing due to my knee injury... running, playing, just horse play and living... and that has bled into other parts of my life...

Now that my surgery is over and my recovery has begun... the recovery of the rest of me can begin as well... and i look forward to it and welcome the pain, the hate, the joy, the grief, the heartache, the anger, the happiness... and the love...