It's Time...

There is so much change happening around me these days. It's almost been a year and a half since my last entry and I felt the sudden urge to spill my words once more in hopes that it will help clear my mind for this new chapter in my life. I'm 26 years old now (I think..... I stopped keeping up with it after the infamous 21) and am about to embark on the journey of a lifetime... I'm moving out of my home state, permanently. I have always dreamed of this day and anticipated driving off with the wind in my hair and not a care on earth smiling as the sun set slowing behind me... Theatrical, epic, compelling, and final. Well, that's how I always pictured it. Yet, now that is day is only weeks away, a complex blend of emotions has welled inside of me. I think of people, places, and things that I may never see again... My family, my friends... The places that I escaped to as a child and as a teenager... This area has been my existence and what was once a site of some silly fleeting memories is now a serious reflection and a quiet thankful moment for all its influences.

My greatest fear is for those closest to me. I'm moving to North Carolina to start a new life with my partner... and for that, I could not be more thrilled. Nevertheless, I am reminded on the sad ending to movie when I leave the ones I love here knowing that it is all too possible I may never see some of them again. My best friend on earth has been living with me for the past 6 months. We have repeatedly stated over the past 10 or 15 years that one day we would live together... and I have to say, it has been fantastic. We have always been close over the years but this time living in such close quarters has created a new dimension and a new appreciation for our friendship. Even though we are thick as thieves, when we live away from each other, we easily loose touch. At least that is the track record we have kept in the past... and now that we have grown so much closer, this end result sinks a sadness deep in my heart. I can only hope that our past will not repeat itself, but it that is what is meant to be, I will at least be able to carry this time together in my heart wherever I go and refer back to it like an old picture yellow with age.

To the woman whose spark lit a flame in my heart and whose love beacons me East, I can only say that I have no reservations for my decision. I carry with me the confidence that I am on the right path... the path I was always meant to take... the road that leads to her arms and her smile. I am not so blindly sure that we will always agree nor that some perfect, flawless, life awaits me... but I am certain that no matter the mountain, no matter the challenge, no matter the effort needed... within the two of us is a driving desire to build a life founded on trust, communication, honest, and commitment. That's all anyone should ever want really... Everything else is easy when you find the person that will devote as much of themselves as you do to whatever cause is important to either... or to both. I love her more than words could begin to describe. She brings me to life everyday and I know I'm blessed to be the lucky one that getting to love her and be loved by her.

Perhaps, the feeling that I am mistaking for fear is actually exhilaration. It's finally time to take that giant leap of faith and dive in... whose knows what I may be writing about then...

Journey

Life is a journey with no destination.

Along the way, you meet many people...

Some of which join you on the journey for a while...

Some take the other fork in the road.

Some lead and some are led by others

Some stop to smell the flowers...

Others always have a schedule to keep.

Some leave a trail of tears behind...

And some keep walking with a smile on their face and the sun on their back.

On their journey, some remember every site they've ever seen...

Others choose to forget them.

Some rejoice in every single day..

Others just wish to fade away.

What's the rush; we all end up in the same place anyway.

Some people take this journey alone...

Some have a convoy to call their own.

Some write on their journeys with book felt behind

Others' stories are a little harder to find.

Some journeys end sooner than others...

Some of them friends, companions, even lovers.

Some stopped in their tracks refusing to take another step...

Til someone came along with just enough pep.

Some journeys are hard and threatening and full of danger...

Some are dark and hateful and full of anger.

Some of us get lost and can't find our way out...

Some just choose to never come out.

Some paths cross more than once from time to time...

Some of us can't even finish this rhyme ;)

Some of us journey with horses and carrages fully packed...

Some with nothing but the clothes on our backs.

Some run, some skate, some swim thru the sea...

Others just like to take their time like me :)

Wherever my journey takes me shall not be in vain

Be it happy, sad, love, or pain.

No one ever knows what tomorrow's journey may bring...

So come take a walk on this journey with me.

2011- Gonna Be A Good One

First blog of the new year... I am just getting into 2011 and thankfully it has already started off well. I met an amazing girl and things have been blossoming smoothly. This time around I intend to do things right. Take things slow... really get to know her and let her get to know me... so many times have I built a wall around who I was because I thought I needed to protect myself from getting hurt again... but I see now that all that wall did was keep the people out that wanted to come in.

There are no guarantees in life... sometimes opening those doors doesnt always let the best stuff into your life, but sometimes it does...

I am not a perfect person... and i know that my past makes me who i am today... but it doesnt mean i have to remain as the person that i once was.

This year i have two main goals in my life... to get myself into better shape and become healthier... and to continue to get myself into a better financial situation... and start working towards what i want in life...

I am very hopeful for 2011. I see good things with wonderful people in my future :)

Southernboi signing out :)

Been a long time...

I haven't blogged in months... its not that I havent had anything to talk about but rather that i just haven't wanted to admit feeling anything. Sometimes feeling numb can stick to you like glue and won't release regardless of what happens in your life... that's what I have been feeling lately... just indifferent about everything; indifferent about life and love and matters of the heart and joy and finding that which i feel like I lack in myself and life... just everything

I've felt like nothing boils my blood anymore, nothing sings to my soul, nothing lifts me up or drops me down, nothing makes my heart ache and nothing makes it skip a beat... its a defense mechanism that has turned in a cancer.

And then just last night out of nowhere, I was talking to a friend and felt a sensation that rushed over me like a tidal wave... and i balled my eyes out... not that kind of cry that you try to hold in and a tear or two is shed... i mean like sobbing uncontrollably... and i felt good.

In a way I felt relieved that i was inconsolable and devistated because it meant that I was beginning to allow myself to feel something again... anything... other than nothing.... and that meant that eventually i would be able to feel better... and that i started figuatively walking in the direction that i wanted to go... you see, physically i have been unable to do alot of things that i would normally be doing due to my knee injury... running, playing, just horse play and living... and that has bled into other parts of my life...

Now that my surgery is over and my recovery has begun... the recovery of the rest of me can begin as well... and i look forward to it and welcome the pain, the hate, the joy, the grief, the heartache, the anger, the happiness... and the love...

Money Hope

Today was a good day for me. Court went well and all my tickets were dropped. I've been worrying myself to death for the past month and I'm so glad I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Driving school won't be so bad and at least it won't go on my record.

Talkin to my mom tonight got me thinking about money and what I would do if I never had to worry about it anymore... since I have been on my own after college I have pretty much been living pay check to pay check... I'm sure there are a lot of people my age that have this same money situation. I make a decent living, but I am always worried about what would happen if I suddenly lost my job or got hurt and couldn't work for a while. Money is one of those things that is always on my mind and no matter what happens, there is never enough of it... but what if there was...

I have been flirting with the idea of doing some independent contracting for the military because I know that the pay is very good and since I really have no ties to the states anymore the thought has been crossing my mind more and more... I've been told that its pretty dangerous but I guess for what they are willing to pay you, there must be some catches like that... The one thing that I have wanted to do in my life was to help my family with their financial situation... We used live a very comfortable life until we tried to open a restaurant when I was a teenager and lost everything... Things have been very hard ever since. I put myself through college and I have to say that those five years were pretty poor on my part... I lost all the money that was saved up for my college education when we lost the restaurant...

Anyways, back to my family... my mom is the hardest working woman that I have ever known in my entire life... she has been the glue that held my family together and continues to be even today... I wish I had one opportunity to make her life and the lives of the rest of my family easier by relieving some of the financial stress that she faces everyday... If I ever were to win the lottery I would only keep 10 percent and i would give the rest away... not only to my family, but others in my life that have had some a wonderful impact on my life... I hope that one day I will be able to prove and demostrate this...

Even still, regardless of whatever amount I make, money is better spend with the ones you love... whether its a present, dinner with friends, or just helping someone in a time of need... my money is never nor will it ever just be my own... because I am addicted to the feeling I get when I share it with others...

So here is my promise to all my readers, friends, family, and all - Hope for prosperity in me and I will gladly share my rewards.

JJ

My Little Buddy Snick

I made peace with my kitten this week when I went home for my uncle's funeral. I haven't been home since the accident because it has just been too hard to walk in the house and not have him run up and greet me... I stayed away for three weeks but finally had to face it today when I went home... The moment that I pulled into the driveway, tears started falling. I knew that when I walked through the gate to my backyard that he wouldn't be there all excited to see me and making that funny little noise that he always made around me... it wasn't really a traditional little purr or meow but more like he was trying to roll his R's around me.... lol he must have known that his family was Mexican...

After the funeral as I was leaving, I walked again into the backyard and stood by the tiny little mound of fresh dirt pilled by the fence where he was buried... I told him I loved him and thanked him for all the wonderful memories and love he had given me in his short little life... and as I walked away, I felt a sense of peace in my heart that I had let him go... and all the pain I had been bottling up in my heart was released...

A loss in any form is always so difficult to cope with... it makes you realize how precious every second you have on this earth really is... and regardless of what you believe about the afterlife, it is not death that is painful... it's being left behind and dealing with the thought that your loved ones are no longer with you... My little buddy kept me company through a very hard time in my life when everything was changing and I know that he was put with me for that specific reason... and then it was time for him to go...

We are all put on this earth for a reason... whatever it may be... and knowing that you leave having accomplished your tasks must be such a rewarding feeling... I can only hope that when it is my time to pass that those who have shared this life with me will let me go as well... I can only hope that when they time comes, they will all know that I loved them and that my life was that much better for having known them... just as I feel with Snickers.

Buddy, I love you with all my heart... maybe I'll see you again one day and we can pick up where we left off...

JJ

Chattanooga

It's Sunday night after a really great weekend with my friends. Chattanooga was awesome. We had great food, great wine, a great drag show and all with great company... among other great things.

Friday i woke up bright and early and headed there. We spent part of the day in the park shaded by a little tree reading the next chapter of the Hobbit. I loved the cartoon movie that came out a long time ago and whenever we read it, I can see the scenes from the movie in my head. The weather Friday afternoon was beautiful and I am glad we enjoyed it while it lasted. That night we went out for dinner at P F Changs and oh em gee!!! Was that meal amazing!

Since the storms were supposed to be really bad all throughout the south the game was cancelled the next morning when we woke up so we all headed to the mall and pigged out at CiCi's... G and I kicked some ass in the arcade! That night we all went to the local Gay Bar and indulged in some sexy Drag Queen leaving nothing to the imagination.

Sunday was bitter sweet. I got my favorite wine today that Ive been looking for forever but sadly it was time to return to my bills, my job, and my life.

The good moments are always the ones that not only take an eternity to get here but also fly by in the blink of an eye... I have been having a great time since I moved to Huntsville... life gets better everyday I'm here... and even though my road leading here as not been an easy one... there are a few less potholes in my path now a days. My new job has allowed me to enjoy some of life's little pleasures more often and I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

JJ